charloft -two things that you meant to get done today ... but didn't

You want him to be older. You have no idea why. You want him to be slower and more gray and less … big. He never is. He’s always the same. Most people find comfort in the same. You find uncomfort in his same, same, same.

It’s odd that you should ever let enough time slide that you expect anything different than the indifference you receive. Maybe it’s those flashes in time where he seemed engaged and interested, and asked you questions that let you know that scary quick mind of his followed you and your life.

You want to tell him you’re getting married. You’re making a home. You want to tell him you have a family, as if that would make him realize that you haven’t had a family since your mother went. She was so frail, so small, so slight. He was so fucking big and overbearing and he acted as if she was his and not at all yours.

You don’t tell him anything at all.

You don’t even make the call.